Time to come back? Lost my identity?

Those dreams finally quit haunting me. I thought about writing about them going away but I was actually afraid I might jinx myself and bring them back. Dreaming about marriage and kids wasn't bad at all. It was those damn taxes and bills that were as scary as a horror movie!

Well, I've gone and done it. Gotten a haircut. To which someone close to me said, now you're a Heather Graham look-alike. Yes, it's been a crisis of sorts. Who am I?

First those darned dreams, and now my image. My mind and my physical self at odds.

I'm blaming it on Oprah. You'll soon see why.

What is going on?

After a week of very poor sleep, I took a pill before bed last night. Which, of course, immediately threw me into a panic attack thinking of Anna Nicole Smith and all of her drugs. See, I am a bit of a hypochondriac as it relates to poison, medicines, etc. I used to call Poison Control regularly worrying that I had taken too many Tylenol, etc. I've grown out of that a bit. Anyhow, I think I'm about to OD on Anna Nicole -- despite the fact that I have AVOIDED all the coverage.

Moving on, so I settle down to sleep. I'm determined not to watch any criminal shows or disturbing or thought provoking TV. What does that leave? I'm not really sure. I drifted off fairly soon with last night's dream recurring. There I was again, the husband, two kids, work, bills, taxes. The oldest child, a son, had suddenly taken to fits of meanness with his younger sister. The oldest being a true teenager and the youngest being a tween wasn't exactly optimum emotional state for discussion. I noted he needed a haircut, and she looked tired. I seemed to be reflecting over their dinners the past week and wasn't exactly pleased with my role or lack thereof in that. Perhaps that's why the tween girl looked peaked. And she did. Then I was consumed with this familiar feeling - worry. But it wasn't about me. It was about her. What was going on with her? It appeared that she was struggling with her extracurricular activity and of course her fellow tweens. The older boy seemed fairly uncommunicable but tired from his activities. The husband too was stressed about work and traveling. I decided (apparently) that everyone would benefit from filet mignons (!!! yes with all those bills) and a big dinner. We all slumped over dinner, talking but exhausted whereupon everyone retreated to his/her corner to work, homework, watching TV. Just when I thought it was all over, I found myself waking, preparing breakfast, dressing hurriedly for carpool (yes!! carpool) and noticing the gasoline level was on "E." This occurred as I realized that I was about to run down the son's Chemistry/Cross Country Coach in his new car. Dropoff quickly occurred and soon I was gassing the car up. Suddenly, I found myself at home - ALONE! The morning seemed to pass quickly with my work and then a quick break for lunch. I seemed HAPPY to prepare a grilled cheese sandwich and fat free (me worry about calories??) chocolate pudding while DANCING to Justin Timberlake in the KITCHEN. Suddenly the phone rang, and I sat up in bed. Whose life IS this?

A Nightmare?

Last night, I went to bed watching Medium. If you follow my blog, then you know how much I like this show with Patricia Arquette. She dreams ALOT in the show. In this particular dream, I wasn't my normal self. I was married with two kids, didn't have my svelte body and cute clothes and I sure didn't have the windfall. I was worried about taxes and tuition and extracurricular activities and what to cook for dinner and work all on top of it. I'm not even mentioning (until now) worrying whether the animals had eaten any of that tainted food or that my car needs new tires, and by the way, the car payment is behind. I woke up in a cold sweat. Was it real?

Rear Window

Last night, I was lounging, watching my favorite show, Grey's Anatomy, when I heard a strange noise. Turning the volume to mute, I sat up and heard crying. My neighbors next door have several young children, so I presumed it was one of them. For some reason, I got up and went to my bathroom window. The crying was loud. I opened the window expecting to hear the baby crying to my right. Instead, the crying was coming from another house in the back. I ran downstairs out to the deck and opened the door. Yes, the crying was in the back and the house adjacent to mine. It was indeed a baby - more like a toddler - crying. He/she was outside! In the dark! On the deck! Alone! As I stood outside trying to grasp what was happening, someone, a woman, appeared at the sliding glass door where the toddler (a boy I think) was facing and crying and snatched him inside. I heard her voice, "See what you've done," she said. I stood there frozen. What had I seen? Was this right? In a split second, I knew what I had to do. Call the police. I couldn't take the chance. Thirty minutes later a policeman showed up at my door. I explained what happened and showed him the house. The house was now dark. Soon after the policeman left, I saw the downstairs lights go on in the house. Next, the upstairs lights went on. I relaxed. He must have gone upstairs to check on the baby. I never heard sirens. I never heard an ambulance. It was hard sleeping. I figure there had to be two houses having a hard time sleeping. I wondered if I had done the right thing. Last night I was sure. This morning I'm still sure. Something wasn't right.

Grey's Anatomy - Is Meredith Really Dead?

OH.MY.WORD. Does anyone else watch Grey's Anatomy???? I just finished watching it. I've been crying non-stop. SHE CAN'T KILL THE MAIN CHARACTER, CAN SHE???? I didn't realize how much I love Meredith until they KILLED her tonight. Supposedly.

Judge Part 2 and Ugly comments

OK......interesting that my last post should be about the judge and jury, etc. I had another post I was planning to write, but I happened to get a really NOT nice comment in my "in box." I've heard about people believing that their identity was discovered but I've not had this happen to me before. From this person's comment, you would deduce that he/she seemingly knows me. At least the comment is written that way. There are only a very few people who actually know my real identity -- on purpose. I have spoken with those people and am convinced that none of them authored the post nor told anyone else who I am. So that leaves me with a wicked comment. I thought about posting it. Fellow bloggers....what do you do? Do you post the mean ones?

Here Comes The Judge........and the Jury

I had to go to court yesterday for two minor traffic violations (nothing that could have hurt anyone - no speeding, etc.) The judge came in on time after I had counted 18 rows with 11 seats each plus people standing. He began speaking and assuring us that the worst any of us would suffer would be one year in jail and a $1000 fine. THAT was reassuring. At first his humor was a bit reassuring. As the afternoon wore on, his humor masked a huge ego along with his didactic manner. It was dismaying to realize that the justice system in this city was so inefficient. It appeared un,ess you wanted to plead guilty and immediately pay your fine (which you could have done without showing up for the cattle call) that you had to fill out a very confusing set of papers. At several points in my career, I worked for law firms. Even with my experience, it was a bewildering process. Since I was pleading no contest, I had to fill out a paper. Once handed in (questionable as to whom), we waited to be called into a separate room with three solicitors. One solicitor looked especially nice -- I hoped to get him. One was designated for the latino "defendants" (what we were all called). The last one looked like a typical hard DA. I watched as defendant after defendant approached the individual solicitors. Most were pled down, points reduced or eliminated. The latinos' solicitor seemed the toughest.

Finally, I was called up to the "hard" DA's table. My solicitor took one look at me, asked a few questions, and to my ultimate happiness, he dismissed my charges completely. That wasn't the end of it. I had to go out and wait in the courtroom for the judge to agree to the solicitors' negotiations. After I went back into the courtroom, the jovial judge suddenly began to be not so jovial. He began overturning pleas, lecturing those who had already pled guilty. Amazingly, in the midst of all this, a woman accused of battery, followed by a crack then a cocaine addict were brought in and interrupted the process. The judge was "easier" on these defendants than those sitting in the courtroom. I waited through 192 cases to be called - among the last eight - and found that he had already signed off on my case but no one had called my name. I had sat for four hours virtually for nothing. Last night, I dreamed of people passing unloading school buses, speeding at 90+ miles an hour, driving with no license, no insurance, it was a troubled sleep.

I'm still trying to make sense of yesterday. Did I witness justice? Or something else?

Hey, I'm just thinking

Yesterday my boss called me. He was "just thinking," he said as "I walk to the sandwich shop." WFW, he said, "why don't you set up a strategy meeting for the RFP (request for proposal) that MAY come out?" He went on, "Let's get a group together to talk about what the customer MAY want and build some strategy and tactics." I sat, listening to him and thinking, (and muffling giggles and a dash of agitation). "You're not saying anything, WFW," he said as I could hear the wind whipping through his OTHER cell phone (yes, he has two). "Actually, Mr. Manager, I'm just thinking," I replied. It occurs to me that in this day and age of fast food and instant gratification that maybe we just don't have time to think anymore. Maybe we aren't ALLOWED. Maybe that's why the world is in the shape its in. As for me? Maybe I'll be a rebel. Maybe I will just sit down and keep thinking and to heck with them all.

Top 25 Reasons to Have a Significant Other

1. You have a readymade date for "date-y" things (office parties, weddings, funerals, etc.)

2. You have someone to at least think about on Valentine's Day

3. Hopefully, you have someone who is good at something you aren't and helps you

4. Someone to hug

5. Someone to argue with

6. Someone who calls you

7. Someone you can call

8. A co-holiday celebrator

9. Someone to cook for and to cook for you

10. Someone to cry with when you're sad

11. Someone to lavish gifts on (LOL)

12. Someone who listens to you vent

13. Someone to provide a different point of view

14. Someone to watch movies with

15. Someone to tease

16. Someone to complain about

17. Someone to brag about

18. Someone that makes you happy

19. Someone to laugh with

20. Someone to be with when you are scared

21. Someone to love

22. Someone to be your best friend

23. Someone to take you to the hospital

24. Someone to take care of you when you're sick

25. Someone to take care of

Did you notice my labels? Blogger virtually tricked me into converting to the new blogger. So far....so good.

SO........my list. I have a terrible feeling I'm missing something. Enlighten me? Please???????

Top 25 Memories of my Big Mama

My "Big Mama" was my maternal grandmother. I am named after her and my mama. The third. That's me. Again, here are my top memories in random order.

1. Her voice's natural vibrato (and her needlepoint!)

2. When she played the piano and organ and I sang with her

3. Her last Christmas spent at my house and the way she enjoyed my cooking

4. Holding her hand as she was dying

5. Shopping for "pocketbooks"

6. Our last Christmas shopping trip when she sent me to buy a tablecloth for my mama

7. The way she clapped her hands together just before she said something spectacular

8. Her laugh

9. The time she covered herself in a white sheet and sat on the porch at Halloween

10. The way she bought me things and said, "don't tell anyone"

11. The time she loaned me $250 when I couldn't pay my bills and wouldn't let me pay her back

12. The way she ate slowly -- just like I used to

13. The way she kept a tissue neatly folded under her watchband on her wrist

14. The time my college friends and I dropped in on her unexpectedly and she was watching the World Series and all my "guy friends" thought she was the coolest grandmother ever

15. All the times I said, I love you Big Mama and she said, " I love you too WFW"

16. Seeing her go to bed in her hairnet

17. Her gorgeous always polished and perfectly manicured nails

18. All the times she accurately guessed her presents before opening them

19. The way her eyes crinkled when she smiled and laughed

20. Her one grey eye and her one hazelish/green eye

21. All the times she wore orchid corsages

22. She had this cute little habit of saying "meow" to me. I've inherited this.

23. The way she drove her big car with a pistol in a cigar box underneath the seat

24. The way she read the entire Bible every single year

25. Knowing she really loved me the best. Everyone needs to feel that kind of love.

This list made me cry (in a nice way) to compile it. I loved my Big Mama. I miss her every day of my life. I challenge you to think of someone living or gone and make your own list. Who would you choose? How many memories would you have?

Top 25 Things I Do Well

1. Laugh

2. Design Christmas/Holiday cards

3. Cook

4. Feel Your Pain

5. Read

6. Lounge

7. Cry

8. Meet new people

9. Talk

10. Network

11. Shop

12. Plan and throw parties

13. Think

14. Drive

15. Sing

16. Remember

17. Lead people

18. Sell

19. Watch TV

20. Enjoy people

21. Give gifts

22. Write

23. Hug

24. Kiss

25. Love

**Please note that these are not in any particular order. By the way, what do YOU do well?

To Click or Not to Click

I've been reposted over at 25peeps.com. Now, herein lies the dilemma. My head's been cut off just showing my body. Seeing as how I am sandwiched in the midst of rather risque (putting it a bit mildly) pictures, I've been debating about even asking for clicks. Being one that has always enjoyed competition, part of me says YES! Please vote for me! There's also a part of me that wants to show that a "not risque" blog can stay with the best of everyone over there. Tell me what you think - and, if you want to - here's my referral link to click: 25peeps.com. You'll see me all headless and in blue. Seriously, I do want to get your input.

Middle of the Night and Headaches

I awoke in the middle of the night with my dreaded headache's return. I have had it off and on today, and it is bad enough that I called my doctor. He believes it is because I've changed my medication. I'm to begin trying the different dosage today. I know to watch chocolate and caffeine and get enough rest. I'm excited about 2007 and have so many things to do. These headaches are messing up my progress. Not to mention scaring me.

What do you do?

There are days that I wonder why I brought my life to this blog. Of course, it is rendered YOU and I Time Magazine's person of the year. Do I care? No. Have I even seen the fake mirror on the front? No. When you bring your life here and you write about it, you open your life and yourself up. Do I pass muster? I don't know. Will God think I passed muster? Or will someone say just not good enough?

Memories (not Streisand either)

I've been on a quiet campaign at my house of cleaning. You can hire wonderful people to "hit the high spots," but getting someone to stand on top of a chair and clean the tippy top of your oven near the ceiling? I don't think so. I was daydreaming in my kitchen as I put away clean dishes and looked up at my soup toureen I display. It was dusty, so I hauled it down to wash it.

You probably know someone who has a piece or two of this pattern - Franciscan Desert Rose. It was my grandmother's. My grandmother, my namesake, had just about every piece imaginable. That is, she had every piece except the soup toureen. We happened to be talking about her "missing piece" one year, and I resolved to complete her collection. I went to Macy's and got the last one. Because it was so expensive, I got gift wrapping for free. I was so excited on Christmas morning to see her open it. She could always guess EVERY present. Everyone wanted her to guess this time, but she couldn't. When she saw it, her mouth opened so wide and she smiled with her whole face. I love that memory. Don't you wish every gift you gave brought so much happiness? I'd love to hear about your successes!

Progress

Ok, now I'm talking to my friends. And they are astounded. Me, the ultimate cheery "woman who does and manages it all" is foilable. Yep, she's crumbling. Today I managed to write three checks that did not total $100 but needed to be mailed. I got it done. It was like an ant moving a mountain. Why couldn't I do it? No energy. I had time. I had the checks, stamps, money. Today I gripped my upper arm and grimaced -- it hurt! I looked and realized that it was bruised. Apparently now, I am gripping on a regular basis -- so much that I am bruising myself. The only thing I am maintaining right now is work and my mani/pedicure appointments. Why the latter - I don't know except I think she needs the money. I wish I could say that looking at my gorgeous nails makes me feel better. I need to exercise but I have no energy. I need to cook again but I have no energy. I need to see a movie but I have no energy. What's happening to me?

You never know......

Yesterday I was in the grocery store madly shopping for ingredients for the dinner I was cooking for my mom. I needed some things from the deli (sigh) which is ALWAYS a wait. They were just finishing with one lady, and an older gentleman was waiting patiently and I was behind him. This other older lady just barged right in ahead of both of us. The next worker came up and asked who was next and I pointed to the gentleman and said, "he is." The older lady who had "cut" in line said, "Did I go ahead of you?" I said, "Yes, and that man was before me." I was infuriated beause I was in just as much of a hurry! She said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, my air conditioning just broke in my car and my husband is at home with a broken leg. I'm dreading getting back in that car." Well, I could certainly relate to the A/C being out in THIS 90 degree weather. I told her not to worry about it. I told her I was shopping for my mom because she had just had surgery. She said, "She's lucky to have you. My daughter lives far away and can't help." She moved her cart away, and after I got my stuff, I followed her into the produce section. I asked her if I could help her get her car to the shop. She said, "I think it just needs fleon." Poor thing ("fleon" instead of freon); I asked her where she was going and if I could help. She thanked me and said she was going to find a full service station. I told her where the closest one was. I thought about giving her my number and decided against it. With all of this stuff with my mom, I've wondered........what do people do who have no family? No friends? Who helps them? Who listens to them? Who cooks for them? Who sits in the waiting room for news from their surgery? Who cries from relief when they are going to be fine? Who holds their hand when they wake up? Who prays for them?

Surprise and An End?

Well. I have to say that I am surprised. I am very surprised that someone has been arrested as a suspect for the murder of JonBenet Ramsey. I wish I could say that I never thought one or both of her parents were involved. But I can't. I never understood their behavior - hiring PR people, being evasive or at least that's how they were portrayed to the public. It seemed too unbelievable to think that an intruder broke into the house early on Christmas day and beat and raped an eight year old girl with no one hearing anything. And why a ransom note when she was dead downstairs? And the writing matching Patsy's? Once I actually saw John and Patsy Ramsey at an airport standing to collect their luggage. I have friends in Atlanta that said they were ruined financially. And how ironic that Patsy died not long ago before this arrest was made. I have a feeling this suspect really did do it since the news channels are reporting that he has reportedly confessed to details of the crime that were unknown. If he truly turns out to be the killer, how awful must the last ten years have been for the entire Ramsey family? They had to be ruined with their precious baby's death anyway, but to have been suspects - all of them - including her brother.....and to NOT have been guilty? My prayer is that justice is truly served, and that there is peace to everyone EXCEPT the animal who tortured and murdered her. Sorry folks - I'm not inclined to wish peace for that individual. Thank God it's not my place to do so. It's His.

Time for Spending

Right after I started this journal, I wrote about buying a new bed. Actually, not a NEW bed....I haven't had more than a boxsprings and mattress on wheels since I left home. Don't you think it's time? Well, I've been looking at beds. You might remember that I ordered the one above from my favorite TV show, Medium. All of a sudden, I noticed its resemblance to a garden bench. So, I cancelled it. Lately, I restarted my search when it dawned on me. I LIKE THIS BED. So what if it looks like a garden bench? I still like it. After all my cleaning yesterday, I decided I DESERVE a bed. And I'm buying all the stuff to go with it too. What have I been waiting for in not buying a bed? What are YOU waiting on?

Cancer and The Vacation that Might Have Been

My mother had minor surgery a week ago. Her doctor routinely sent off samples to be tested. He thought everything was fine. After the surgery, I was crazily preparing for vacation and headed to visit my dad. You can't know how much I was looking forward to spending some time with him and relaxing. I just had arrived at his house when I get a call from my mom. Her doctor had called her to come in and discuss her test results saying he "needed to do more." I knew I had to go home to take her to the appointment. I felt so disappointed. I had been looking forward to seeing my daddy for months. I had been looking forward to relaxing for months. How could I feel like this? So selfish? My mother needed me, and I was thinking of myself. At any rate, I left yesterday and showed up at her door in place of my aunt, and she was so pleased to see me. The doctor got right to the point. "The tests show you have Stage 1 cancer. You need more surgery. I've taken the liberty of arranging it all with the best oncologist, the operating room and myself." My mother's face had barely changed with the news. She wasn't expecting it.

Somewhere in all this, she told me that she had told her doctor (he's mine too - I referred her) that she couldn't believe I had gone off and left her. By the way, she was fine when I left. SIGH. This is a regular pattern with my mom. She yaps to everyone that I don't really love her or that she can't believe that I've done this or that. And this time? I don't think she has a clue of all the things I gave up to go home. And maybe I wouldn't feel this way if she appreciated me. It's embarrassing getting "dissed" to everyone. More than anything, it just hurts. And why do I even care?

Anyhow, I took her out to dinner afterwards. She didn't eat much. I didn't eat much either. My food stuck in my throat, and I fought an anxiety attack. I'm not sure how I feel today, but I know one thing. I don't feel like myself. Not one bit.