Cancer and The Vacation that Might Have Been
My mother had minor surgery a week ago. Her doctor routinely sent off samples to be tested. He thought everything was fine. After the surgery, I was crazily preparing for vacation and headed to visit my dad. You can't know how much I was looking forward to spending some time with him and relaxing. I just had arrived at his house when I get a call from my mom. Her doctor had called her to come in and discuss her test results saying he "needed to do more." I knew I had to go home to take her to the appointment. I felt so disappointed. I had been looking forward to seeing my daddy for months. I had been looking forward to relaxing for months. How could I feel like this? So selfish? My mother needed me, and I was thinking of myself. At any rate, I left yesterday and showed up at her door in place of my aunt, and she was so pleased to see me. The doctor got right to the point. "The tests show you have Stage 1 cancer. You need more surgery. I've taken the liberty of arranging it all with the best oncologist, the operating room and myself." My mother's face had barely changed with the news. She wasn't expecting it.
Somewhere in all this, she told me that she had told her doctor (he's mine too - I referred her) that she couldn't believe I had gone off and left her. By the way, she was fine when I left. SIGH. This is a regular pattern with my mom. She yaps to everyone that I don't really love her or that she can't believe that I've done this or that. And this time? I don't think she has a clue of all the things I gave up to go home. And maybe I wouldn't feel this way if she appreciated me. It's embarrassing getting "dissed" to everyone. More than anything, it just hurts. And why do I even care?
Anyhow, I took her out to dinner afterwards. She didn't eat much. I didn't eat much either. My food stuck in my throat, and I fought an anxiety attack. I'm not sure how I feel today, but I know one thing. I don't feel like myself. Not one bit.
posted by Anonymous | 7:34 AM
13 Comments:
I know a little bit about toxic mommies. WFW, don't let her do that to you. That's terrible and it is NOT LOVE. I hope her health issues are resolved soon and without too much pain and suffering, but mostly I hope that you can learn to disengage so that her antics no longer cause you pain (because that's what they are meant to do). I am so sorry.
Hmmmm... Tough. Love you.
I am sorry you did not get to continue your visit with your Dad.
I am glad you were with your Mother for the news. I am sure she really appreciated your being there for her.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...
My Mum does the same thing. It is not because she doesn't love me...it is because she gets sympathy from playing the victim to others...After years of struggle I realized this was an attention thing for others, she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me, but hurt me it did...
*^_^
(=':'=) huge huggles
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one
Going back to be with your mother was a very selfless act, especially considering the beating you endured once you got there. But you have to consider...if you hadn't gone, you'd feel just awful.
I'm really sorry about your mom, I am hopeful that her cancer is cured, that it's a curable cancer.
Mostly, I pray and hope that you can find some time to have that downtime, time of rest. You need it, I think!
Sophmom, I saw your comment first and you cannot imagine how comforting it was. THANK YOU THANK YOU. BWH, I love you too. I needed to hear that! Raggedy, thank you for your loyalty and sharing your story. It helps! Lauri, thank you too. I feel peace from your words; your prayer flows through. Thank you everyone!
WFW, I feel it is such a shame that your mother can't get past her bitterness long enough to treat you as a human being. I am sorry she is sick, but she is apparently doing this on purpose. The old guilt trip. I know it very well. I have had it played on me several times.
At some point you will have to either disengage as sophmom says or confront her with the issue. She needs to know exactly how much she hurts you with her words.
Big huge hugs honey... big ones.
My mother has the same tendencies. I spent the year after my father died doing everything in my power to keep the farm going, but the realized she had to do some things on her own; I couldn't do it all.
The next year we got her a mower so she could do the lawn, etc. Now all I hear from my siblings is how terrible I am for not doing 'anything' for her anymore, etc etc.
It does hurt, indeed. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
You're welcome, darlin'. You're commenters have all given good advice, but I think Lauri struck an important chord and it's part of what I meant by disengage. Do what you do for her for yourself because it's the right thing to do, without any expectations of loving interaction with her. Maybe she'll surprise you, but don't expect it. I know you know all this, but we're here to help you keep it in sight when the feelings start to get in the way. It's so dang hard. I'm sorry.
I hope you can get back to taking a break sometime soon. We all need them in order to keep going.
Dealing with parents can be difficult enough; throw cancer into the mix and it becomes even more complicated...
so sorry to hear about your Mom like lauri said hope it is one that can be cured. It is ironic I think that is was just a little over a year ago that I got the same news about my Dad... My only advice is to listen to the Doctors...they were a big help for my Mom and my sisters and me..
She sounds a lot like my mom. Nothing I ever did was enough.
I do hope that the surgeon can do wonders for her and that she will survive in a condition better than ever, but don't let her make you feel guilty.
Phoenix, you are correct. It is the old guilt trip ruse; I've lived with it a very long time. SC, thanks for sharing. Snake, you're right; it is a tricky mix. Diva, thanks and I am doing that now - taking care of myself. Mom, I'm sorry you had to go through this. Kenju, I feel for you darling; and you know I know the feeling too. :-(
praying for wfw mom. and believing for better days . You take care of yourself.
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