My Daddy is Sick

My daddy is sick. He hasn't been sick in a year. He was like "go to the ER, get an IV, get xrays sick." Sometimes I get so frustrated that he moved 9 hours away. He was 9 hours away before and now he's still 9 hours away. I can't just jump in the car and go see him. Airplane? Believe it or not, by the time, I get through parking, checking in, airport security, driving, etc., it's not much better than 9 hours. I wish he was close by. I wish I could make him some of my home cooked specialities. I wish I could go do his laundry and do his chores. I want to take care of him. It breaks my heart that I can't be with him.

Heart of Stone

A heart that has turned to stone
Rendered from feeling all alone
Wrung from a life of giving
Now seems barely capable of living
Please God make the hardness soften
Before the body lies cold in a coffin

A cold, an anniversary and a blessing

I have a nasty cold. My throat feels like I have a brillo pad in it. I have an occasional cough. Yuck. I just got back from vacation and was counting on two days to get my house in order before I go back to work tommorrow. I'm just sort of bumbling around not seeming to get much accomplished.

Today is the anniversary of my grandfather's accident. He literally probably never knew what hit him. That day set in motion a series of events that changed so many lives forever. I've never been exposed to grief like that. I hope I never am again.

What's the blessing? It's a gorgeous day outside. I know I'll get over this cold. I'm rich (sorry to be crass mentioning it). It will all come together.

May God Bless Him

I know many people are writing about Barbaro today. After thinking about it, I knew I had to celebrate his life after writing about his accident earlier this year.

What a beautiful horse he was! More importantly, what an unbelievable heart he had! May God bless Barbaro, and may he rest in peace.

Polly Wolly Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here......

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful dog named Polly. She was a beautiful girl, beloved by many, cherished by a special couple. They took walks and played together. Their grandchildren came to visit and played with Polly too. Their granddaughter made up "the Polly song" -- Polly Wolly Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here. She sang it to the sweet dog every time she saw her. One day, Polly fell ill and soon did not know her own name. There was only one thing to be done to preserve her dignity and end her suffering. Rest in peace Polly Wolly Lolly and get your adverbs here.

Rest in Peace Steve Irwin

Such sad news. One of the greatest zoologists of our time died today in a freak accident after being pierced by a stingray while filming in the Great Barrier Reef. Steve Irwin, the great "Crocodile Hunter," is now gone leaving his wife, daughter and son. I wish I could muster up a "Crickey" as he would say, but my heart just isn't in it. God bless his soul and his family.

Thank you.......the grief continues

First, I would be terribly remiss if I did not say a heartfelt thank you for all of your support. It really DOES make a difference. My cousin's visitation is Thursday, and the funeral is Friday. I know it sounds strange that I would equate my cousin's death with my dog's, but I do. Last night, the reality of Balto's death hit me again with such force that I thought I was going to be sick. I'm still in shock. Is it possible to live out your life in shock?

A Sad Saturday

My mother called me yesterday morning early. I don't like early morning weekend calls. I liked this one less. My cousin committed suicide early yesterday morning. I had to say that I was shocked. My mother was not. As a child, I remembered pitying him. My uncle had been married previously, and he was a product of that brief marriage. His mother did not want him -- completely rejected him. My aunt and uncle then had three children of their own. It's no wonder he never seemed to fit in. He was the "oldest" of all the grandchildren (when he was counted). All the pain finally caught up with him. He shot himself in the heart -- completing his heartbreak.

Now My Yorkie!

Can you believe it? Now Maggie, my Yorkie, is sick! She is not dying, but she has a temperature and is going to have to take loads of medicine for 30, yes, 30 days. She is miserable. She is so miserable and lonely that she took her toys to Tigger the fierce two month old kitten and tried to play with him. At least he didn't spit and paw her. He wasn't interested. I think she misses her sweet big brother. She even grabbed her toys and growled with them trying to show Tigger how they played. She finally just gave up. I know how she feels. I am still dragging myself to finish things. Tired. Sad. Ready to go to bed at night. Every single thing is such an effort! I had to drag myself to the shower this afternoon. When I finally did, I did give myself a great toning spray on my face as well as a mint mask. I still feel like crap. Is this what depression feels like?

Saturday

I awoke this morning feeling braver. Today, I thought, I'll be able to think of him and not cry. Today, I will remember how ill he was and not be sad. Today, I will be just joyous for having him. All it took was seeing his medicine on the window sill and his dog bowl to make me break down again. I made to MAKE myself do errands. I can barely concentrate on TV or books or anything I typically enjoy. I keep thinking.......I'll never touch him again. I'll never hug him again. I'll never see that unconditional smile again. My heart is simply broken.

He's Gone

My beloved Balto is gone - today, Thursday, May 18th. One loud clap of thunder around 4:30 pm followed by the strong gale wind as if sweeping his soul to heaven. A few raindrops fell like angel tears long enough to extricate him out from his special spot. I was so glad I thought to get a few locks of his beautiful Pekoe red coat as I said good bye to him. I kissed his side. Truly, there could have been no animal nor human that bore his burden so cheerfully and well. Good night Sweet Prince.

Bewildered.........

Wow, I can't believe it's taken me this long to post! On Thursday, I had something really weird happen. I'm not proud of it actually. I stopped in to my optician's to get my glasses adjusted and my contacted cleaned. I usually don't have to wait, but they were busy. I sat down as some man was explaining that he needed $3000 worth of sunglasses for a movie he was involved in somehow. The opticians weren't quite buying it. I had a conference call so I had to run home. I realized I had the time wrong so about a half an hour later, I'm back at the optician's. Everyone was still there and a woman with a child had walked in ahead of me. DRAT! It was a circus; obviously, the movie man's credit cardS (yes plural) had been declined. He was pretty slick. He made a big show of calling the "producer's office." First, he was going to provide an American Express number; then he decided on a check. I had very strange vibes. In the midst of this, the child began pulling umbrellas out of the stand and waving them around wildly. "Movie Man" turns out to have "Movie Woman" sitting on the sofa waiting for him. Let me say -- neither of them look like "Movie People" -- whatever that is. I turned my attention from the "Movie People" to the "Incredibly Misbehaving Child" or "IMC." IMC, perhaps tuning into the weird vibes in the room, began to mutter loudly and became very disruptive. I then focused my attention on the mother who seem to be one of those who said "No" but really don't mean it. I studied her when suddenly I realized that I KNEW her. She was my best friend in high school who had suddenly began ignoring my emails and cards after we graduated. I couldn't believe how she looked! Not at all like the girl who was in beauty pageants, etc. At the precise moment, I realized who she was, I realized that her son was not .....typical.......He became louder and louder. Movie Man was too walking around talking on his cell phone arranging for "a check to be driven over." I looked over at IMC as his mother/my ex-friend was having to remove his contacts for him. He lightly screamed out. Finally it was my turn, and I opted to stay quiet. I didn't stay hello to my (ex?)friend. She looked as though her hands were full. Besides, she had cut off communications with me. Why? I left.......and I felt strange and sad. In an odd turn of events, yesterday, I had an argument with a family member on the subject of friends. It cut. It especially cut knowing what had happened on Thursday. He apologized fairly soon afterward. It didn't matter though, because I know I'm a good friend. I know my friends love me. I don't need anyone to tell me that. I just wasn't such a good friend in my past. Maybe the past just belongs in the past. Maybe all we can do is go forward and make things right with present and do the best you can with the people in your life now.

Taking a break........

I'm going to take a break for a little while. I've had so much fun with this blog, but in 24 hours, I've gotten two rather upsetting posts/emails. One thing I probably mentioned in 100 things about me is that I am a very sensitive person. This sensitivity is great for those that I love for I rarely hurt people's feelings that I love, like or even don't like. Unfortunately, my own heart is easily wounded. This blog is supposed to be fun, sweet, expressive, and an outlet. When I read words on here that make me feel upset or not so good about myself, then it's time to take a break. I knew I was lucky to have such great blogs that I read and read me in return. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just not much in a mood to be put down right now. In fact, I'm not ever much in the mood for that -- as I'm sure most of you aren't either. Hopefully, I'll see you all later on. Be well.

A Dream........

I had a dream. A young girl named Lilly came to me; she was a sad spirit. She told me of her life as a child with her only goal to please her parents. Alas, they expected musicial and athletic genius as well as academic prowess. She spent her childhood striving toward their approval - enduring all kinds of abuse in these environments. Still, she endured...mentally and physically suffering from the effects of such stringent expectations. She looked to the future speaking of her vision as an adult wondering why now when she met their desires, spent years doing so......when she has small requests of these parents......why aren't they too driven to please her? Is this one of the mysteries of life she asked me? I held her close as she wept. I had no answers.......

Back.......and Sadness

I made it home safely and more on the trip later. Unfortunately, I received a call about my golden retriever. It was bad news. In a month, his heart is almost in complete failure. In a month, how can a sweet dog's heart rating go to the worst possible from the best? Has he had a heart murmur all his life? I didn't get home in time to get him so I was up and down all night. I begged my vet for an appointment this morning (Sat) and got the bad news. He's basically dying. He is the sweetest dog alive. It's so unfair. He is only eight years old and was diagnosed with epilepsy awhile ago. He takes phenobarbital twice a day. He got so much better when I got my little female Yorkie who played with him. He thinks he is her mother. I am beyond unhappy. I am so sad. I don't remember crying this much since my grandmother died. I took him straight from the vet to a doggie spa appointment and bought two new toys. He likes things with legs and arms. Octopus toys are his favorite. I found a purple one once. I think it was his favorite. My heart hurts like I have his murmur. I am just absolutely brokenhearted. One blessing is that he does not know he's sick. I just can't stop crying. He's more than a dog to me.