Who do you turn to?

In recent times, I've been rocked to the core with worries. Health scares for my family and me, my beloved dog's and my cousin's death......it's been so much to process. Even the windfall is a stress of sorts. Let me share with you that there are times I awake in the middle of the night wondering if I am doing the right things with it. Am I being generous enough? What is meant for me to do with it? Is there one life in particular that I am meant to touch? No one can accuse me of squandering it, because I have been so conservative. I didn't quit my job. I'm still out there amongst you still. Hoping to find answers, I picked up a book - a brand new one that I bought two years ago. Yes, a brand new lilac colored Bible for women. I had never opened it. Well, now I've been opening it and reading random selections. God, I'm trying. Help me please. Help me do what's right.

You never know......

Yesterday I was in the grocery store madly shopping for ingredients for the dinner I was cooking for my mom. I needed some things from the deli (sigh) which is ALWAYS a wait. They were just finishing with one lady, and an older gentleman was waiting patiently and I was behind him. This other older lady just barged right in ahead of both of us. The next worker came up and asked who was next and I pointed to the gentleman and said, "he is." The older lady who had "cut" in line said, "Did I go ahead of you?" I said, "Yes, and that man was before me." I was infuriated beause I was in just as much of a hurry! She said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, my air conditioning just broke in my car and my husband is at home with a broken leg. I'm dreading getting back in that car." Well, I could certainly relate to the A/C being out in THIS 90 degree weather. I told her not to worry about it. I told her I was shopping for my mom because she had just had surgery. She said, "She's lucky to have you. My daughter lives far away and can't help." She moved her cart away, and after I got my stuff, I followed her into the produce section. I asked her if I could help her get her car to the shop. She said, "I think it just needs fleon." Poor thing ("fleon" instead of freon); I asked her where she was going and if I could help. She thanked me and said she was going to find a full service station. I told her where the closest one was. I thought about giving her my number and decided against it. With all of this stuff with my mom, I've wondered........what do people do who have no family? No friends? Who helps them? Who listens to them? Who cooks for them? Who sits in the waiting room for news from their surgery? Who cries from relief when they are going to be fine? Who holds their hand when they wake up? Who prays for them?

Update on My Mom and Cancer

You may wonder where I've been. My mom had surgery early on Friday morning. I spent the night with her that night. I went back on Saturday night, and then Sunday afternoon. I went late yesterday evening too. I was there at 8:30 am this morning until she was discharged at 1pm. I got her settled at home and was at home by 3pm. I caught a cold from the air conditioning blowing on me at the hospital. She is doing great. They got all the cancer. The worst part was when they rolled her away to surgery. I hated waiting. I was so scared waiting for her to come back from recovery. (I wasn't cut out to be a nurse in case you haven't noticed.) They brought her back, and she was very pale. Her skin was waxy. I held her hand a very very long time. I told her I loved her. She told me that she loved me more than anyone in the world. I couldn't say it back. I felt so guilty. I couldn't lie. I'm sure she didn't notice because of all the drugs. I could only say I love you. That just has to be enough now.

Please help me..........

Please help me welcome a new blogger - a special friend- who has just joined the blogosphere. You'll find this special blog here. I won't tell you what it is about but I PROMISE you will enjoy it! Thank you!!!

Surprise and An End?

Well. I have to say that I am surprised. I am very surprised that someone has been arrested as a suspect for the murder of JonBenet Ramsey. I wish I could say that I never thought one or both of her parents were involved. But I can't. I never understood their behavior - hiring PR people, being evasive or at least that's how they were portrayed to the public. It seemed too unbelievable to think that an intruder broke into the house early on Christmas day and beat and raped an eight year old girl with no one hearing anything. And why a ransom note when she was dead downstairs? And the writing matching Patsy's? Once I actually saw John and Patsy Ramsey at an airport standing to collect their luggage. I have friends in Atlanta that said they were ruined financially. And how ironic that Patsy died not long ago before this arrest was made. I have a feeling this suspect really did do it since the news channels are reporting that he has reportedly confessed to details of the crime that were unknown. If he truly turns out to be the killer, how awful must the last ten years have been for the entire Ramsey family? They had to be ruined with their precious baby's death anyway, but to have been suspects - all of them - including her brother.....and to NOT have been guilty? My prayer is that justice is truly served, and that there is peace to everyone EXCEPT the animal who tortured and murdered her. Sorry folks - I'm not inclined to wish peace for that individual. Thank God it's not my place to do so. It's His.

Silent Treatment

Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Windfall moments this week.......

I haven't written any windfall moments lately, so I thought I'd share a few. You have to promise not to tell though - 'cause good deeds don't count if you tell!

* I tipped the bagger at the grocery store $10. He's mentally handicapped - bless his heart - and he works like there is no tommorrow.

* I have a toll card for our highway but went through the toll booth anyway and paid for more people to go through free.

* I bought some brand new Abercrombie and "hip" clothes and stuck them in the bottom of some older stuff and took to Goodwill.

Just a few little things......it was fun. I am a bit on the dangerous side. I don't like just mailing checks. I'd rather be a bit close to the recipient. Don't worry; I'm careful.

Wrong Email

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and they glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004

To my loving wife.

Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ..... Sure is hot down here!!

Time for Spending

Right after I started this journal, I wrote about buying a new bed. Actually, not a NEW bed....I haven't had more than a boxsprings and mattress on wheels since I left home. Don't you think it's time? Well, I've been looking at beds. You might remember that I ordered the one above from my favorite TV show, Medium. All of a sudden, I noticed its resemblance to a garden bench. So, I cancelled it. Lately, I restarted my search when it dawned on me. I LIKE THIS BED. So what if it looks like a garden bench? I still like it. After all my cleaning yesterday, I decided I DESERVE a bed. And I'm buying all the stuff to go with it too. What have I been waiting for in not buying a bed? What are YOU waiting on?

List Making Saturday

I admit it. I'm a list maker. I had a boyfriend once who hated my list making. He said I seemed to enjoy checking things off too much. LOL. Occasionally we would have a joint list. I would put my initials by the things I did. That REALLY drove him crazy. Once I realized that, I put my initials by the stuff he did too. (Just to lighten him up a bit!) Anyhow, it's just MY list today. I have company coming in today, and I've got major stuff to do. Grocery, Italian market, Costco, drycleaners -- not to mention vacuuming. Dusting. Darn, I forgot the bank! Let me find my list.......Have a great Saturday!

A New Day

Hey YOU there! It's a new day. I'm shrugging off all this crap. I started yesterday. To heck with toxic relationships and toxic stuff in general! I got my nails done in a new color yesterday. It's called "I'm Not Just A Waitress." It's a RED. I felt like being a vamp. I then had a hair appointment. Of course, with all this sweltering heat, I went to bed at 10pm. So much for being a vamp!

I did gorge on a PO BOY sandwich followed up by a REAL COKE and had a bakery doughnut with REAL FUDGE icing. My, it was delicious! My, it was filled with fat! My, it was WORTH it!

I sure enjoyed the small bowl of penance Special K last night too. (Giggles)

Speaking of penance, I went to the bank to deposit the check from my.......ahem......ex-accountant. That bugger! He messed with the windfall, and I didn't like that. He is trying to get in my good graces with his "refund," but once a snake, always a snake. Except of course, the Cambridge Snake!

My kitten is being neutered today. I dropped him off yesterday. He meowed at me the whole way; I meowed back. If anyone ever tapes me in my car, I'll be carted off to the funny farm for sure. What would happen to the windfall then? OK, enough silliness here. Treat yourself today. It sure feels good sometimes. You deserve it!

Cancer and The Vacation that Might Have Been

My mother had minor surgery a week ago. Her doctor routinely sent off samples to be tested. He thought everything was fine. After the surgery, I was crazily preparing for vacation and headed to visit my dad. You can't know how much I was looking forward to spending some time with him and relaxing. I just had arrived at his house when I get a call from my mom. Her doctor had called her to come in and discuss her test results saying he "needed to do more." I knew I had to go home to take her to the appointment. I felt so disappointed. I had been looking forward to seeing my daddy for months. I had been looking forward to relaxing for months. How could I feel like this? So selfish? My mother needed me, and I was thinking of myself. At any rate, I left yesterday and showed up at her door in place of my aunt, and she was so pleased to see me. The doctor got right to the point. "The tests show you have Stage 1 cancer. You need more surgery. I've taken the liberty of arranging it all with the best oncologist, the operating room and myself." My mother's face had barely changed with the news. She wasn't expecting it.

Somewhere in all this, she told me that she had told her doctor (he's mine too - I referred her) that she couldn't believe I had gone off and left her. By the way, she was fine when I left. SIGH. This is a regular pattern with my mom. She yaps to everyone that I don't really love her or that she can't believe that I've done this or that. And this time? I don't think she has a clue of all the things I gave up to go home. And maybe I wouldn't feel this way if she appreciated me. It's embarrassing getting "dissed" to everyone. More than anything, it just hurts. And why do I even care?

Anyhow, I took her out to dinner afterwards. She didn't eat much. I didn't eat much either. My food stuck in my throat, and I fought an anxiety attack. I'm not sure how I feel today, but I know one thing. I don't feel like myself. Not one bit.