She said I don't want a daughter like..........
you. That's right. I was all comfy and cozy albeit drippy when the phone rang. I almost didn't answer it. But it was her. My mother. She asked me the prefunctory how are you? I said I'm sick. I don't feel well. She skimmed over it. She went on to talk about herself as usual. Then she launched into diatribes over my daddy again. Keep in mind they've been divorced at least 21 years. I told her that I don't want to hear about my daddy anymore. She said I'm not going to be censored. I said fine, just don't talk to me about my dad. Not much later she said it. I've always known it, but she had never said it before. "I don't want a daughter like you." I didn't have to take it. So I quietly hung up. I didn't wallow in sadness. I turned on Jerry Springer - a show I NEVER watch - and somehow watched an episode called "1 Truckstop Ho." It was pitiful. I think I watched it because I saw something more pitiful. I needed that. I ate a scrambled egg sandwich for lunch not remembering that it was something my mother used to make me when I was sick. I think she loved me some. I think she loved me at one time. She just spoke the truth. She never wanted a daughter like me.
posted by Anonymous | 12:16 AM
25 Comments:
Do you think she would have understood "I didn't want a mother like you?"
Don't upset yourself with the shortcomings of others. Mom should know better than to try to shift the weight of her own faults to others, if not... well, so be it!
Keep a stiff upper lip and dont let it bring you down!
She sounds like the kind of person who digs deep to say something hurtful to make herself feel better. I have encountered a few like that, family and friends. The trick is to put up a wall they can't break and they'll soon stop banging on it.
I can't imagine a mother not loving their child. I really don't think it can happen.
She was lashing out because she didn't get her way in the conversation. Please don't allow her to hurt you, be better, be stronger.
Personally I think she's clinically insane for not wanting a daughter like you.
Thanks for the advice on mine, now take care of that cold.
zardoz says:
I agree with flubberwinkle & jodi
....Especially with
" I didnt want a mother like you"
throw that in her face the next couple of phone calls between you
Of course i doubt that youll get thru, its been 21 years, and she hasnt got the message,
keep tryin,,,,
only as long as you dont do damage to yourself,,
whatever...
stiff upper lip
and keep your spirits up
(not with jerry springer-
thats psychotic)
try fun and games on the net.
---zardoz
Awww, you can't let her incapabilities of love bring you down. That is more than likely her problem... with life. She sounds like she has never been capable to understand and know what love really is. A mother should never, ever say that to a child... no matter what the childs age is. It can be just as hurtful to a 5 yr old as a 30 something.
*Here is a hug and a kiss on the cheek from a mom that is very capable of loving even those she doesn't 'really' know ;-)*
Hopefully she will regret saying that and make an apology. She sure has sure held on to some anger for a long time.
I like those egg sandwiches too.
Hey Windfall, I am sorry you had to hear your mother say that to you. You did the right thing by hanging up the phone. If she is forcing you to choose sides by making comments like that, it is time she learned that it don't fly.
Hope you get to feelin' better soon.Take comfort my friend. A big ol' Cornbread hug your way!
My heart aches for you. What a thing for a mother to say to her child. She sounds so sad and bitter. Love her the best you can but don't take that crap ever again.
As a mother who would give almost ANYTHING to have her child back, it breaks my heart that she would even consider that thought, let alone say those words out loud.
Hmm...I'd have a hard time not telling her that I didn't want her either, that I'd change a million things about her if I could. But it's not the right thing to do. When someone's verbally and mentally abusive to you, don't dish it back out. Be the bigger person and, as you did, hang up. Then hope the best for her, pray for her, whatever.
Just because her blood runs through your veins...it does not mean she's "family". Define family how you want to.
So sorry for you.
Chin up.
I've been reading your blog for a while - think you're great. Given your style and love for blogging, I think this might be right up your alley. 15 on 15.
On the 15th of each month anyone who wants to participate posts their "Top 15" list of whatever category we decided. After we make our lists, we post comments in each others blog to link to other people's lists, and the chain grows. It's something my friends and started last month - we are drumming up more particiapants. Silly? Yes, but interesting nonetheless.
This month's 15 on 15 is Top Books of All Time. Make your list.
so sad, but mostly for her. You are stil a lovely person. she is a crumbling caricature. you are free to go on, she is stuck in her own blackened ruins of what could have been a home, a family, a life.
I can't imagine anyone making such a comment to their child. I agree with flubberwinkle and david - you don't have to take that off of anyone. As we say in AA "don't be an enabler." Cut her off from your life - I know that will be hard for you since based on your writings you are obviously a very sweet and loving person. I'll bet you want a loving relationship with this woman but does she also want that? No! She seems to enjoy hurting you. I'm not one to give advice (even though I have) but why allow someone to hurt you? If you continue your relationship with her (mother or not) and she continues to hurt you -then who really is to blame? I had a real good friend once and he was tough cookie (at least to me). I cut him out of my life - I felt "shame on me for letting him crap on me." He doesn't anymore. Old Baldy
Schadenfreude must be one of the secrets to Springer's success--I watched it today for a transvestite who raised her ungrateful sister--they were punching and clawing each other over, like, eighty bucks.
Like a car wreck, I was transfixed...
Although I'm not saying cutting someone in the family off is a bad idea. I sense you are more like me.
My sister has given me and my family tons of grief over the years. Most of the time she hurts herself but a lot of the time she hurts us in the process.
My friend called me a saint the other day for not cutting her off. I simply can't. To me, family is family and you don't cut them off no matter how much they try to hurt you.
As far as my sis is concerned, I'm cautious, I have a shield and she's not often let in. She's still in my family but everything she says and does is taken with a grain of salt. It's the only way for me.
Just thought my analogy could help,
Just thought i would send ((((((hugs)))))) My last conversation with my mother went in a similar way. In fact this last crisis with my mother was precipitated by the fact that i was polite on the phone to my father's wife. (They have also been separated 20+ years). I have not contacted my mother since that conversation (at her request) which i do not like to do... but i must admit my life has been more peaceful without her. There is alot of weight in that kind of negativity.
Mine told me once that she should have known she couldn't "make a silk purse out of a sow's ear". I was about 15 when she said it; I am now 65 and it still hurts just as much now as it did then. But I choose to ignore it now. It just doesn't matter.
I am sorry she said that to you. I have a friend who had 4 brothers, no sisters. Her mom told her she never wanted to have a girl. I know how horrible that made her feel, but you and she both have to remember that your mother said this NOT because there is something lacking in you - but in HER!
W/W {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I'm sorry that you're sick -AND- had to hear such words from your mom. I know about family issues but, luckily, my parents are not the problem - it is other family members that say things that literally rip my heart to shreds.
I'll tell you a little secret ... *shhhhhhhh* ... sometimes, I watch Springer, too ... I think I'm actually watching to see if my relatives are on the show that day ... *ha-ha* I wouldn't doubt that some day they'll show up considering how they act sometimes ...
Sweetie, keep your chin up and don't let her harsh words dampen your beautiful spirit! You are such a special person and she cannot touch that light that shines from deep within your soul.
Somebody wants a daughter just like you. I know. He wouldn't have made you the way he did otherwise.
It is hard not to internalize our parents' opinions of us, especially when those opinions are negative. Try to remember, though, that your identity and self-worth are not defined by your mother's opinion of you. That she is incapable of seeing or acknowledging your value does not make you any less valuable.
God bless you.
I'm no expert in these matters, but hanging up was the best thing to do.
Let not the words of those with small minds cut; their own shortcomings are what make them so spiteful,
YOU are a woman of greatness, a child of the living God. We love you - and so does He.
test comment: sent at 7:20
You look so cute!
Some peoples mothers....grrrrrrr
Ouch. I'm so sorry. You know, this is a lady who is pretty bitter and doesn't want to let go of the past, you won't fall into with her and complain about the past or listen to it and that makes you the "less than perfect daughter" - I've got a father who's about the same way. He's remarried and STILL has an axe to grind where my mother is concerned... it's the whole "fine line between love and hate" thing.
Hope you feel better soon!
What a terrible thing for a mother to say to a daughter. I could never imagine saying such a thing to my daughter. I'd have hung up too.
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