Windfall Woman

Life and times of an older Brittany Murphy look-a-like still working as a sales executive after experiencing a life changing windfall a year or so ago

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Monday, December 19, 2005

Dear Mama



Dear Mama,

I will never be able to give you this letter, but it is in my heart and I need to express myself.

I'm sorry I'm not a better daughter. I'm sorry I've disappointed you all of my life. I'm sorry I feel guilty even writing this letter that you will never see. I'm so sorry that you don't want to give or receive any presents this year. I'm sorry that you are angry that my dad is coming to see me for Christmas, and that in spite of being divorced for many years, you cannot seem to let go of the hatred and bitterness you feel about it. I am sorry that you cannot allow me the peace to pursue my relationship with my father that is so essential to me. I love both of my parents, but with you, I have to work a little harder. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a daughter like me - your same gender - and for us not to be closer than we are. I'm sorry that you don't understand why I cry easily - at movies and commercials and just in general when I am touched. I'm sorry you sit in your house and don't make friends or do some sort of service work or go to the ballet with me when I have tickets. I'm sorry that you have periods where you say the most hateful things to me, and I just absorb it. I'm sorry that you feel your childhood was overshadowed by your sisters. I am sorry that you are prejuidiced and cannot get past it nor can you understand why I believe we are all His children. I'm sorry that you cannot accept nor give love when it is truly given. I'm sorry that I don't understand you or what makes you happy. I wish I could help you. I wish I could make life wonderful for you. Unfortunately, my "windfall" does not have that particular brand of magic. I can only continue to pray for you and hope that in some way, with someone or something, you find happiness and peace. Because we all deserve it. Merry Christmas Mama.

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24 Comments:

Blogger frustratedwriter said...

That was touching in a sad sort of a way. I hope one day your Mom will be in a place where you can have such a discussion with her. It sounds like she is missing out on the enjoyment a relationship with you could bring. Hang in there!

8:15 AM  
Anonymous Snake (a Cambridge kind of guy) said...

It sounds like a sad life the way you describe it...

9:23 AM  
Blogger Windfall Woman said...

FW, I doubt my mom will ever be in that place. I've tried when she was younger. Now that she's older - it seems even more unlikely. Snake, yes, I think it is a sad life. One I wouldn't wish on anyone really.

9:30 AM  
Blogger phoenix said...

Time heals most wounds, but this one does not sound like it will do so any time soon. I pray that somehow you two can come to an impasse... a spot where you can both be comfortable with each other. Time is too short for these things. I never got the chance with my dad and it still eats at me. Don't let this eat you away.

Hugssssss sugar. BTW - better but still stiff. Ankle giving me fits and the bruises are all pretty colors now. :P

9:32 AM  
Blogger Windfall Woman said...

Phoenix, we still talk on the phone several times a week. Our relationship just isn't what I hoped it would be. I have to say that I have no regrets. I have really tried so very hard. So glad to hear you are feeling better but sorry you are still stiff. Take care of that ankle!

11:02 AM  
Blogger Kitty said...

W/W, at least you can express your feelings, if not to her - at least express them so that they do not stay bottled up inside of you. There is no way to know whether or not she will ever come around. You can continue to hope and pray, but don't let yourself get dragged down by her misery. You have such a bright spirit that you don't need to let her negativity dampen your energy.

Have a wonderful holiday with your Dad, and enjoy the good things that the season brings. Merry Christmas!

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WW heck all I can say is we wouldn't have the word "mean" in the dictionary if there weren't some things, folks, acts, and the related that are just flat "mean." Sounds to me like she doesn't deserve you as a daughter. Sounds like a regular old Ebenezer Scrouge - what a sad way to live - especially when there is only one life. Sweetie, I am sure even your windfall can't make up for the crap you are getting from this woman. Some people can't change so no need to try changing 'em. My experience is people do what they want to do - so if it is any consolation, have peace in the fact she is doing what she wants to do and apparently enjoys doing it. Probably have given more advice than I should not really knowing everything. Old Baldy

11:14 AM  
Blogger Darlene said...

That really touched my heart. It has to be good for you to write that, because when there's deep hurt, it needs to come out.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous Sophmom said...

WW, I'm sorry this has happened for you. It's my opinion that, as we age, we just become more like what we really are inside. We lose artiface. So... I think you're most likely right and it won't get better. Therefore, the only thing that can improve your relationship would be for you to let go of any expectations that you might have for her. That's ongoing work, that's never completely done. BTDT. *sigh*

11:37 AM  
Blogger Phoe said...

awww windfall woman, I'm sure that underneath the occasional hostility and tough times, your mum understands and recognises your effort in trying to be a good daughter.

Meanwhile, just be the great person that you are. Your mother's greatest reward/achievement should be raising a daughter like you. She should be proud of you.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Cornbread said...

WFW, I think you have accepted the fact that you cannot change your Mom. Sometimes it takes a difficult situation to make that change in someones life. For me and my dad there was an impassible void between us untill my mother died. After that dad lightened up and we became more friendly. It has taken years for us to make peace with each other and sometimes it is still difficult. Remember you are your mothers daughter and nothing can change that. Even if you don't always fit into what she believes is right, You still came from her body. You are part of her. Your Mom knows this. Believe me she hasn't given up on you, even if she has found herself angry from time to time with you. It's hard to know someones true feelings sometimes, But I would dare say your mother loves you.

4:53 PM  
Blogger FTS said...

It's sad that she feels the need to make you choose 'either or.' Sad for you, and sad for her. :(

6:25 PM  
Blogger Windfall Woman said...

Kitty, thank you for your thoughts; and you're so right. I have to express these feelings. Old Baldy, you sound wise beyond your years. I think you've capture the situation very accurately. Darlene, all I can say is (((Darlene))). Soph, you're right too; the older we get the more pronounced all of this is.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Windfall Woman said...

Phoe, what you wrote means more to me than I can say. Cornbread, you are truly a saint taking care of your father! I could take care of my dad, but my mom would be a trial. FTS, you sum the situation up perfectly. Why do I have to choose? I just don't understand.

9:07 PM  
Blogger David said...

I hope my kids never have to write a letter like that, butI suspect they might. there are years ahead and I hope I can bring some more conversation and openness where there was once rejection and pain.

11:46 PM  
Blogger Ms. Vickie said...

It is sad your mother does not realize what she is missing in life but you being the special person you are and with the big heart you have has delt with the relationship as it is and made the most not allowing it to take from you but I believe allowing it to make you a stronger and better person. Always accept that you have done all you can but never close a door always keep it open but no longer allow the pain to seep in so you can continue to grow in the love and caring manner you are now. You have a heart it is one of a special person so continue in life spreading love and joy as you are now. I send you special thoughts and love tonight my friend.

12:19 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

Sometimes it takes a huge life changing, mind altering event to take bitterness out of people. For a few it may happen gradually if at all. I don't think age has anything to do with it.

Unfortunately we don't get to choose our family. I find it best to focus on mine's good qualities. (ie. although my mother is co-dependant, self-centered, and has no sense of humor she is also generous, mild mannered, and can be very loving.)

I think I may feel your pain in a way but you shouldn't feel you are sorry.

12:38 AM  
Blogger kenju said...

It is so good that you know you cannot change her. How sad, to live her life like that, especially when she has a wonderful daughter like you.

1:09 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

Thank you. I'm divorced with a teenage daughter. THANK YOU for showing me how I should let her relationship be with her daddy. I do try to stay out of it...but if she chooses to spend Christmas with him instead of me someday...it's because that is her right and his and not just mine and it doesn't mean we can't do presents or still love each other. So thank you for a heads up about how not to be in the way of her relationship with her daddy.

Merry Christmas.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Ruvym said...

You should consider writing her a letter to be delivered in the future. I actually just posted on that, this new site called futureme.org, where you can set up e-mails to be sent to people in the future, from the you of today. It makes you think about what you want to say, and it's interesting to imagine what they might be like when they get it, years from now.

2:55 AM  
Blogger bigwhitehat said...

After reading this, I'm sorry that I haven't been by.

That situation really sucks.

Be patient. Resentment and discontent can be big Giants to slay.

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Monique said...

Try, and continue to reach out, are all you can do. I'm sorry for the situation she's put you in with wanting you to choose between her and your father. You seem to have dealt with it well.

4:52 PM  
Blogger ardi k said...

May the blessings of this season give you and your parents just what they need. They are lucky to have your love.

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow.

10:24 PM  

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