Windfall Woman

Life and times of an older Brittany Murphy look-a-like still working as a sales executive after experiencing a life changing windfall a year or so ago

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Location: United States

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Sadness. Tears and Guilt

A Poem for WaKaBaM

Bruised and battered
Hearts in tatters

No solace, no peace
No channel for release

I cry; I pray
Yet nothing I say

Will mend those things
Life so inevitably brings


Have you ever just wished a day away? I did that yesterday...which I hate because it was a SATURDAY.

Someone quite near and dear to my heart struggled hard yesterday. Ultimately, he triumphed due to his heart, courage and will to win; but the "un-winners" were devastated. And there is a possibility that his triumph will be rescinded in favor of those more senior. This will hurt my dear one. No matter the outcome, someone will be in pain.

A friend close to me knew I was down today and tried to lift my spirits. He was angry that his effort did not work. I felt guilty and worse than before. I'd rather he not try.

And, I know a secret. One with more gravity than that of my windfall. I am close to a child in pain, a child in need. I have done what I can and am prohibited from doing more. My heart aches with the sadness of her life, her self perception. She is a talented child but is doing anything and everything to get attention. Yesterday I witnessed her pain yet again, and it tears me up every time I see it. She waves sweetly at me when she sees me. She is so desperate for attention. She has hurt someone close to me yet I still see her pain and pity her. I want to rescue her, but I cannot. I have done all I can. It doesn't feel enough. Some days I feel as though my heart is filled with every pain in the world. I hate these days. There is no money or gift that will solve heartache. I am powerless to do anything except pray for her. My curse is that sometimes in these times I cannot find my God. There is an adage, "Draw close to God, and He will draw close to you." I have to confess; I find that peace so very hard to find. I hate feeling this way. I hate writing this type of entry. But even we winfall winners hurt. Even we have our bad days. Because when it comes right down to it, the material things of this world do not make us happy. We only find that within.


Blogger Phoe said...

I hope you feel better soon, and hope that all the people mentioned in your post will feel better too. I guess we can only hope that things can right themselves in the long run, as they do most of the time.

7:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you Phoe. You are wise beyond your years. P.S. I feel better today after a good night's sleep.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Maria del Carmen said...

Are we talking about pleasing the flesh vs. pleasing the spirit? If so, man, I've been there. Prayer works but forcing yourself to take the higher road (it's going to feel like you're going against your nature, what YOU really want), but doing this, you grow and really get what God's all about. It's an incredible journey, not always smooth and pleasant, but totally worth it!

7:38 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

Faith is believing when you can't do anything else.

I hope your friends and this child all get the peace of mind feeling that will mend their hearts and souls.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I'm sorry you had such a down day...And I'm really sorry that there is a child in need nearby - and yet you can't do anything about it.

She's not in need, of protection, is she? Or is it more in the respect of guidance and attention? Or neither.....

11:39 AM  
Blogger Stacy Dawn said...

It's hard to watch what we cannot control, what we cannot fix, what we cannot heal...for such a small organ, the heart can weigh a ton.

Hope you feel better and regain your spirits.

1:08 PM  
Blogger phoenix said...

I concur with the answer above me. The heart can feel as if you are carying the whole world in it... yet there is more room for love than infinty. Strange but true.

Hugsssssssss WW

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maria, Monica, Rebecca, Stacy and Phoenix, thank you all for your support. These situations involve children which is what makes them more painful and harder to comprehend. Yes, one situation potentially involves physical and mental abuse allegedly. I have reported everything I know. There's nothing else I can do; it's a futile feeling. :-( I guess I've felt like why do these things happen in God's world. I've kept praying. I'm a little better today. Thank you for the hugs. You guys are great. (((WFW HUGS)))

4:28 PM  
Blogger BlogLes said...

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a coconut cake recipe site/blog. It pretty much covers recipe related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

10:38 PM  
Blogger ardi k said...

Looks like a lot of people care about you and those you care for. Good folks. We all have an overseer that knows the outcome and the reason. There is protection and guidance. Some know it; others are still learning. Thanks for loving the way you do.

10:43 PM  
Blogger kenju said...

There is something you can do for that child: you can pray for her.

1:31 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

Hi WW... as someone who was once a in a bad situation, know that sometimes, while you may feel that you didn't do enough, it can be one small act, or one small kindness, or one person who is a positive light in someones life that can change everything, can give you that nugget of hope that things have the potential to be different, to be better. And having that wee nugget of knowledge can help a kid cope and keep that little flame alight in their heart until they are in a place in life where they can let it be bright and guide them.

1:35 AM  

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